juggling with so many things i could do, but uttery too lazy to do much of it,
i've been reading lots of books halfway,
watching dramas 10 episodes in 1 sitting, then not bothering to continue..
sowing my cross stitch 1 color only, then leaving it for days, even weeks sometimes,
watching tv for 5 minutes, then going somwhere else coz its too boring,
i've been buying more and more books to read, but hardly getting down to reading them till i have a whole stack of unread books (this is highly weird in my world..),
lots of time to learn how to cook before its too late, but won't come near the stove even when i feel large bouts of hunger..


haish, is this what people call
a) cacing kepanasan
b) kemalasan melampau
c) boring/bosan
d) buntu dgn cuti lame yg xder matlamat
e) all of the above


and the answer is........
sile isi kat bahagian comment yer ape anda rasa..


well, anyway, back to humans...
(sum1's been bugging me to write a long post.. so this might take a while to write..)


from my observations (tgk sape? i live in a tiny room alone shut out from humanity.. but i did do some observations, tru telescopes and spyglasses and not to forget, from my clever deductions.. )


1. humans are selfish..
writer, ehem, that's me, included..
it seems that at certain instances in time, some would go to great lengths for their own gains..
this really does show a bad side of humanity doesn't it..
but at the same time..
those same humans, would also act truly selflessly in other certain conditions, when put to the test..


2. humans are largely influenced by money..
this fact, is one of my flaws too..
mostly, in life, all humans, whether rich or poor, race to get their hands on money..
though, what differenciates humans from each other is to what extent they would pursue their intents on getting more money..
at the end of the day, can you be happy and content with the amount of money that you hold?
most people who have started working and need to support themselves face this trying dilemma everyday..


3. humans are vain, whether we come clean about it or not..
not all, but most really..
what people would do, to become a bit prettier, more popular, a little more wanted,
and the list goes on..
vainity, heck, that's why they call it a vanity mirror..
its so that humans can admire themselves, compare themselves to others,
and still find that heck, im better than all those people,
or maybe not as confident..
but then, there are also some, very small amount i might say,
that are not so fazzed by their looks, and how others see them,
gems i say, amongst millions..


4. human beings tend to love drama..
the suspense,
the adrenaline(fish donno how 2 spell..),
and the pure tantalizing rush it gives..
but then again, that only happens when it is other people's drama you are facing..
the single idea of gossip spreads faster than lighting across the globe these days..
heck, 1 single lightning couldn't travel the face of earth in 1 day..
but gossip can, apparently..
so high is the love for drama, that usually people tend excel at accelerating it,
or being perfect bystanders that offer no hand of help,
which just doesn't help to make it go away faster, does it?
i would noe, wouldn't i, i've been on the oppressed side many2 times..


but then again,
for a reason unknown to mankind,
humans, are also capable of great compasion, love, respect, integrity, inteligence, and morallilty..


currently most revered on earth,
(well duh, like there's any other type of species that can current beat us on earth right now, right now being the operative word..)
humans are a wonder that never fail to amaze each other with their decisions, emotions and capabilities..


well, after 19 years, im still amazed, aren't i??
with lots more to learn at that..


kay, one final issue i'd like to ponder before pen-off,
to that certain human who likes to read my blog more than 3 times a week,
(that's certainly more times than i currently open my own blog these days...)
i've been reading a lot about love, tragedy and humans in the eyes of writers lately,
and i can't help but think that,
are those feelings true, and can they truly exist in our 3-D world??
i'd like to find those feelings,
but then again, i wouldn't want to go through the heartbreat when that certain someone leaves..
or the irrationality that love brings..

its just something i'd like to ponder further in the future..
i'll get back to it another time..
(but then again, in retrospect of my current inabililty to finish anything that i've started these holz, its a farfected agenda, that should not be hoped for to much..)


ahhhh, time, words and babbling..
i don't really miss this..
till then, nyte2 world..

if all that i want to post about is complaints,
messed up feelings,
hatred,
and a general list of dislikes,

then its better not to blog..

lets just face it, i don't handle long holidays without a purpose in life well..
i suck terribly at it..

so lets end this year with a bang shall we?
i can't stop being emo till results are out,
and that's 15 days away..

till then, i think its better for me, and for you,
if i remain solitary..

cheers..

i called you..
i wanted to tell you that i miss you,
and wanted to come home..

but when i called,
we just ended fighting..

n the words i wanted to say just never came out..

what i plan and what you have in mind are never the same..
and i feel like im a disappointment to you evryway i turn..

why do words always turn out wrong when they come out of my mouth..

arini dengan rasminyer, spec maths punyer exam da abes..
haish, entah ape lar aku jwp kan..
sume gaye mcm da merdeka da..
(tapi senanye ade lagi 1 paper accounts slase mgg depan..)
huuuu..

niway, cite sal mende gembira sket..
arini besday apek!!!!!!!!

wah2, tambah lagi sorg dlm club 19..
:D

seperti biase, aku mmg sgt gemar nak bgtau sume org arini besday apek..
hee..

~eppi beshday!!

dia cakap, aku selfish, sbb xnak blk, sbb xnak g org 2 kawen..
dia cakap, time aku kawen nnt, xder org nak datang, sbb aku sll ngelak g org len kawen..
dia cakap tiket da ade da pon, tinggal nak pergi je pon..

tapi..

dia x tau..
aku kecik hati..
aku mintak org 2 janji ngan aku satu bende jer..
yg 2 lar yg org tuh x tunaikan..
satu janji yg sgt specific, jgn bgtau die..
nape org 2 bgtau?

die x tau..
aku kecewa..
aku kecewa org 2 buat aku mcm tuh..

die x tau..
aku da x percaya lagi kat org tuh..

die x tau..
yg aku x sanggup nak buat muka heppi, senyum2,
blakon mcm aku ok n xder pape pon berlaku depan org tuh..

die x tau..
ape sebab aku xnak g org 2 kawen..

people always say that you only realize the value of something when its gone..

and then you cry, and you regret all that you've done..
wishing, wanting, praying, begging for more time..

but that's just it..
there's no catch, no rewind, no relistening, no retakes, none of it..
time will not turn back, no matter how technology improves..

and some nights, when i find it hardest to sleep, i remember the people, who i've hurt..
it rarely comes in order..
but often it disturbs me..
all the regret, all the guilt..
i know that time cannot turn back for me,
but no matter how many years have passed by me, i still feel the guilt of my biggest mistakes..

for stacey, the one i said to that i don't care if your mother's dead, your still the same, you shouldn't get better treatment from other..
for din, who held my hand when i saw no hope in living..
for aika, who i felt i lost, but in truth i betrayed her trust..
for alie, who showed me what kindness is, but i fooled with it..
for wak lie who i gave hope to, but destroyed in the cruelest manner known..
for pidot, who stayed by me, when everyone shut me out, and treated me as an equal friend, but i let her cry in a shopping mall coz i was too busy reading a story book..
for syuk, who has always loved me, but a hurt beyond repair i gave him back for all he gave me, and a lifetime paid in pennance wouldn't remove that scar..
for fakhriy, who was pure at heart and a bag of lies i gave him..
for fairuz, whom i loved before even knowing and she took me in as a friend, but all the hatred, all the hurt and all the disbelief that my heart nutured makes the pain too hard to bare.. i could have been a better friend first..
for micar, who listened to all my stories, my misguided beliefs and loved me, but i let down, where's all your promises now sueray?
for syahmi, who was honest from the start, but i distrusted and never said the 3 words that matter most, till it was too late, and for all the not-truths i told that just ended up as sharp pins in the wound..

all the regrets, all the guilts, nothing can change them..
a thousand sorrys, a thousand its okay i forgive you will never remove the marks the mistakes have left,

so maybe now, its better to look forward rather than thinking too much about the past..
before i forget, before its too late,
before we all leave in our seperate ways,

i want to say i love you..
and thank you..
truly, to all my classmates..
sam, inti-uc..

who've been around tru rain or shine..
accepted my mood swings that go up and down with no leading, lagging nor current indicators..
who still listen, though i tend to babble and talk at a rate of 20km/hour..
who accepted me, when i changed, while others criticized and mocked me..
covered my back when i was giving in to my koala bear sleeping hours..
who have taken an extreme amount of patience with my love for "kirim makanan"..
still bother to further explain things, when i still don't understand something at the forth telling..
accept my bimbo moments and regard it as a joke rather than a disability..
push me up and give me tonnes of support when test/quiz/final results come out looking like crap..
and lastly, for all the whining, the complaining and the x puas hati with evrything.. i know i complain tooo much..

knowing all of you, has been a treasure..
making this course so much more memorable,so more special..
and no one can take that away from us,
coz memories, are always ours to keep..
















we've still got some time left in our favour,
2 more weeks till ssabas,
its not the end yet..
study well,
but along the way,
take a second to look around,
and appreciate those around you..

i've learnt, its always better to say i love you before its too late..
but always mean it when you do say it..

i hope i remember these words well, for my own sake, most of all..

plz read the following passage in a sarcastic manner..

spec maths trials yesterday was sooooo easy,
i aced trough it in a matter of minutes..
i mean, it was created just for me to get 100% without any mistakes at all..
im telling ya, its that easy..
especially part B..
thats where everyone can score and get bonus marks to even get 110% for the trials..
amazing right?
who comes up with these questions??
its soooooo easy that my brother who's in primary 1 could probably do all of the questions..


well, i did tell u it was meant to be sarcastic..
its the new polite..
haish, lets just say i din do part B, which consists of 60 marks out of 150..
hurm..
u do the maths lar..

on another note, right after the exams, we went off to Etiqa, to meet A REAL ACTUARY or actually, an actuary to be, who has only a few papers left till becoming a fellow, but is currently the head actuary in etiqa..

and nad was saying, "budak AS first time nak g field trip.. tepuk tangan semua".
well, it is true that they do have a lot of QS trips..
blek..

so the 10 of us walked in n made noise (errrrm, not too much..) and had a very interesting talk with encek izaz n encek effendy..

"dari mood sume mcm zombie bakal nak terjun bangunan, pas jumpe dieorg, sume smgt mcm nak jadi superman.."
okay, hyperbola, tapi, memang betul pon die punyer isi tersirat..

we should have a trip everytime after spec maths exams, to ensure that all AS SAM students don't look like zombies who aren't functional for the few days after spec maths..

yes, im extremly frustrated,
but i shall try harder
(errrrrrr, 1% more should be okay right??)
and my method of production is by going to UTP diz monday..
anyone wanna come wit me??
:P

pictures of the day:

it always hits me hardest when i think that its much better to become a hermit in my own world rather than living in a world where people's main aim is profit, and exploiting others become a common daily requirement of life..
is there no escape?

lets just say im tired..
tired of what this life has to offer me..

and at those moments of deep depression and regret,
the phases of enlightenment come and pass,
a glimpse of understanding, the how, what and why we are really here today..

haish, loads of crap im talking about..
trials..
last 2 papers..
saya sudah kecewa dengan ini program..
mana mau cari semangat?
SAM, mengapakah begitu kejam?
actually, spec maths 2 jer, kecewa tahap max kot..
bukak buku jer rase nak nanges memanjang..
ape nak jadi nih..

and i know what u will say..
itulah, sape suruh gelap sgt hati tuh..
x penah nak bersyukur..
dunia jer kau ingat..
mmg lar hati x tenteram..

but i've tried..
i really have,
tried to understand this religion,
and truly become a part of it..
it takes time, and doubt is a hard thing to throw away..

lets just pray that i find that motivation to give it all i've got n not look back..
till then..